February 16, 2008 - Feeling Hurt

Okay, so I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps today, and a bit irrationally hurt by something from the Single Parents BBC board.On the board yesterday, one of the hosts posted, calling out all West Coast parents. She wanted to organize a meet up in March or April. So, being a west coast mommy, I responded. Today, the host posted a message to the tune of, "I'm sorry, I forgot that Washington and Oregon are on the west coast to. This is more for the Southern California parents." That really shouldn't hurt me. Really, it shouldn't. It wasn't intended to hurt. It was simply a statement. But all of a sudden, I felt so excluded. As if I've been told, "No, you can't be part of this group, you're not good enough." I KNOW it's irrational. I KNOW it's silly. But it really hurts. And it makes me feel lonely. Maybe I should elaborate a little here. Explain why it is this hurt so much. Ever since I was little, I've had two big fears: the fear of being alone, and the fear of being forgotten. Forgotten at a store by my parents, forgotten in the memories of my friends and family, forgotten on a list of people to call or send a card to. Forgotten. In any way. So for me, there is no phrase more hurtful, more devastating, than to hear, "Oh, I forgot all about you!" And reading, "Oh, I forgot WA and OR are on the west coast," is tantamount to reading, "Oh, I forgot all about you!" I've not made any sort of impact in the minds and hearts of these people that I have spent so much time talking to, commiserating with, listening to, advising, supporting, etc. They don't remember me. They don't care or know enough about me to care. I know this is in part my fault. I could interact more. Post more. But sometimes, being a mommy to such a special child, I feel completely disconnected from parents of typical children. It seriously feels like I'm the only one in Oregon, sometimes, on these boards. Leastwise, the only one in Oregon interested in meeting other parents. I know there is one other person on the Single Parents board from Oregon, but she has remarried, and is planning to move to Reno. And I haven't talked to her that much, as she only posts on the board when she wants to give advice to someone. There are one, maybe two parents from Oregon on the May 2005 board, and I've met one of the mommies, but if there are others, I don't know who they are. Same with the Babies with Cerebral Palsy board. I've met Caitlin, who is an awesome girl, who is also moving to Sweden, but I don't know of any other mommies on the board in my area. My complete lack of other local mommy friends hit me yesterday hardest. It was such a beautiful day. I wanted to go to the park and enjoy the sunshine and the fresh air, but I didn't want to go alone. So I called my friend, Becky, to see if she wanted to go to the park with the kids. She couldn't, because she was babysitting the twins, which meant she had charge of 4 toddlers, and there was no way she wanted to brave that. So I started wondering, "Who else can I call?" And you know? I couldn't think of anyone I could call to go to the park with me. Not one person. I mean, yeah, there's Caitlin. In Silverton. And she's so busy getting everything organized to go back to Sweden (and I don't blame her here...she's a saint for having been gone this long.), I figured she wouldn't have time. So I was SOL. So, CALLING ALL OREGON AREA MOMMIES!!! I need some friends!