November 15, 2007 - Pictures!

Okay, so we had therapy again today. And I got pics! I'll write more later, but I wanted to post the pics of her in the wheelchair.

November 12, 2007 - The Little Stinker!

Brianna is such a little stinker! Yesterday, we went to church with Mary. When we got back, I was completely exhausted! I put Brianna down on the floor to watch her cartoons, and I stretched out on the couch with my book, biding my time till dinner. Suddenly, I hear this shriek! Brianna was playing on the floor, as happy as could be. But it appeared she had the tubing from her feeding pump wrapped around her throat! I started panicking! What a horrible mom to be so absorbed in my book as to not notice this! So I slid down on the floor, untangled her, and twisted her around again. It wasn't wrapped around her throat, thankfully, but the little stinker thought it was funny! Then, five minutes later, she did it again! The little bugger has certainly learned how to get into trouble! I actually had to MOVE two of my wicker baskets from beneath the coffee table, to get them away from her. And there's no keeping her toys tucked in a neat little corner. She does her darndest to get into that corner and sling them all over the place. But she takes such joy in it, kicking and shrieking as she does, I can't be angry with her. Oh, the joys of being a mother.

On the sad side, though, I saw our first picture of Brianna the toddler. I know, I know, you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, she's been a toddler for a while. But on Saturday when we saw Mary, she took some pics of me and Brianna. And she got them developed. When I looked at them on Sunday, one of them in particular struck me. Brianna looked so much like a little girl! Till then, I had stubbornly refused to view her as anything but a baby. But when faced with such incontrovertible proof of her growth, I felt my heart break just a tiny bit. Just hours before, sitting in church service, I had been thinking to myself, "I'm so lucky. While other children Brianna's age are growing up, sticking their fingers in light sockets, tearing into things, running in the road, I get to keep my baby longer." Then, I see this picture, and it's like Fate or God or someone is slapping me in the face saying, "Ha ha, I don't think so! You can't keep her little forever."

To make matters worse, this song has been haunting me! You might know it. It's called "In My Arms", by Plumb. The first verse goes like this:

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do
Is hold you tight

Can you imagine the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing having these thoughts, with this song playing backdrop to them? I feel like I'm becoming a raving lunatic! Why does she have to grow up? Why can't she stay my baby girl forever?

November 10, 2007 - Drama, Drama, Drama

Man, you'd think I'd get a break from the drama, wouldn't you? But nooo...never! Here are the latest developments in our lives:

Brianna continues to do well in therapy, learning more about using her head to control the wheelchair, and taking more steps in the walkabout. She is learning to make choices between objects or activities in speech therapy, either using visual contact - look at the object, look at the person holding it, then look at the object again, or by using a step-by-step switch to scan through a selection of items, then turning away to select it. The speech pathologist says she thinks Brianna is making a conscious decision about 70% of the time, which is really good.

In other news, I had to give notice at work. See, Brianna's weekend nanny, the girl who seemed so wonderful, that I was raving about to everyone, turned out to have a few issues. I won't delve into those issues, being as they are rather personal to her, but suffice it to say, they are rather disturbing to me, and I no longer felt safe leaving my daughter in her care. I don't seem to be able to find and keep good childcare for Brianna for the weekends. The daycare provider, whom I was so hesitant about, has turned out to be quite wonderful, and is actually holding a spot for Brianna until January, when I intend to go back to school. But in the meantime, between now and January 7th, when I begin classes again (hopefully), I am not working, I am staying home, working with Brianna, hopefully trying to get things organized and maybe use some of her Title V money to buy a step-by-step, a few jelly bean switches, and some adaptable toys for her, in addition to, possibly, some other things.

Giving notice at work really wasn't as horrible as one might think. For one, I had already planned to give notice in December so that I could go back to school. I had my previous coursework evaluated, and with it, I can complete the two year Speech Language Pathology Assisting program in one year. Hopefully. Or two years, at part time. Not sure yet. But it's quite fortunate, because out of 45 general education credits, I have achieved, according to the transcript evaluation, 44. Just need to take another PE class, maybe another science class, and I'll be fine.

Admittedly, between now and the time I graduate, money will be tight, and my stress level is going to skyrocket. But I have realized two things in relation to my life and my future. First of all, if I ever want to make anything of my life beyond what can be made of one working a minimum wage job washing dishes, then I have to finish my schooling. I can't just let 3 years of education and $30,000 worth of college loans add up to nothing. Secondly, if I want to keep my sanity about me, there is no way I can juggle school, work and Brianna's therapy schedule. So I cut out the one that we can most do without. Brianna HAS to have her therapy, there's no compromising there. And I HAVE to finish my education in order for us to ever have a life independent of the state. And so, I have to suck up my pride and go down to DHS yet again to apply for aid, yet again, so that I can finish school and forge a new path.

Is there any doubt in your minds now that I'm going nuts? If you still doubt it, read my latest entry in my other blog. Maybe then you'll believe me when I tell you I'm about a hair's breadth away from sitting in a corner, drooling, babbling and rocking.