December 14, 2007 - Thoughts about my little girl

Recent events and conversations have spurred me to blog about my baby girl. Not about the progress she is making, though that is awesome. (We tried doing the two switch thing in therapy on Tuesday and, while she didn't tolerate therapy as long, she was grasping the concept!) But about my little girl. She is such a treasure to me. Every smile puts a little bit of sunshine in my heart. Every laugh or squeal or kick of her feet makes me so proud of her, because not too long ago, there were no laughs or squeals or kicks.

There are days when it's so hard. When I get so tired of making all the decisions on my own, when I just want someone to cuddle up with at the end of the night. Someone to talk about my day with, who understands how hard it can be at times. I've been asked many times, though, if, given the chance, I would try to change things and make them work with Sean. And my answer is always, without a thought or a doubt, no. I have the best part of him now, I don't need anything more from him. Were it up to me, I would never hear from or see him again. Never have to worry about him demanding visitation with Brianna, or fighting the child support agreement. Honestly, that is my biggest fear. Now that the courts are establishing child support, once he starts paying, he'll be within his rights as her father to demand visitation.

I don't know, I'm really starting to ramble now, aren't I, Damien? I told you I tend to do that in my blogs.

It's funny, though. A while ago, Brianna woke up fussing, and I had Sarah go upstairs and pick her up and bring her down to get her diaper changed. After she changed her diaper, Sarah was cuddling Brianna. And I got so jealous I wanted to cry. I never in my entire life imagined I would feel love as intensely or as desperately as I do for my baby girl. She is my world. I live for every smile, every snort. Of course there are things about parenting I dislike. Cranky days and dirty diapers are chief among them. But if I were given a choice between tolerating the cranky days to get the good days, and not having her, I'd always take the cranky days. She makes my life worthwhile. I don't know how to describe it. It's really beyond words. She's beyond everything I ever imagined a child could be. And every smile, every sound, every inch of progress makes me immeasurably proud of her.